Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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