that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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