My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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