I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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