hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
A+ Viking dick
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
