So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
