He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
