Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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