Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
