we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?