I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
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you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.