You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
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Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.