Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Boobs speak an international language.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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