so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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