Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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