proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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