remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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