Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
