I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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