Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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