dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
