you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
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Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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