I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
