I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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