woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
