I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
