I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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