hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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