I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
