Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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