I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
