so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
