I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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