I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.