lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
