Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
