O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
