Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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