Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
