20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
