Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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