So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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