my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
