I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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