I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
