i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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