she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
