that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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