I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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