yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
