im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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