I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
