when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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