just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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