she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
