You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
