Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
